Alright, time to get this off my chest. [ Sep. 9th, 2009 at 2:13 AM ] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | Butterfly - Mariah Carey ] "Wanting him is hard to forget, loving him is hard to regret, losing him is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt I've felt, letting go is the most painful yet." Well isn't that the god awful truth, if I've ever heard it. Before I proceed, I just want to make it clear that this journal entry is dedicated to two men who've greatly impacted my love life. The only two men I've ever truly been head over heels in love with in my 18 years of life. AJK&CTP. I need to do this to get this off my chest. I need to find a way to get over both boys. For whatever reason, I've thought about the two of them non-stop all summer, it's so frustrating; and it hurts. But .. they broke my heart. :[ AJK; For almost a full year, you were a major part of my life. I spent 7 months with you, on and off. We split briefly in December but kept running back to each other for more failed attempt.s For 7 months you were my sole best friend, my everything, my love. We disagreed on a lot but the one thing we had mutual ground in was that we loved each other unconditionally and no matter what; we knew we were destined to be together and spend the rest of our lives loving one another. You were and always will be my soul mate. Sadly; trust wasn't always there and was a big issue in our endeavors, hence why we almost always fought. Back in March, we tried things around for another time. & It was going absolutely amazing. I was head over heels again, as were you. But fate stepped in and put an abrupt halt to us. Since then, we haven't even spoken a mere "Hello" to one another. It's been 6 months, and I still find myself thinking about you. The what if's and where would we be now if we weren't torn away from each other? I wonder if you still think about me, and if you've moved on. If you have moved on, is she any better than me? How's your son, and most importantly - how are you? Have you quit drinking and smoking? Do you regret anything that happened between the two of us; because aside from us drifting apart - I don't regret a damn thing. I believe it made the two of us stronger together; and for that- we lasted as long as we did. If it weren't for my mother, we would have probably lasted longer. I miss you, and I love you. I always have and I'm pretty sure I always will. If by chance you stumble upon this ( which I highly doubt you will ) please make sure that is the one thing, if anything you remember about me. That I loved you with every fiber in me, no matter what stupid spat we endured. You will always have a place in my heart. ♥ CTP; Wow, where do I begin with you? I met you the first day of spring semester and thought you were this complete weirdo at first. The next day we became lab partners; and shortly thereafter I fell for you. & I fell hard. I realize my expectations were certainly extremely high, and I was undoubtedly tough on you. Even tougher than you deserved most days, but I did love you. I swear I did. I still do. & When you moved on while I assumed we were on our way to working things out, that crushed me. You always swore you'd wait for me; and you loved me. You wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, remember? Now I see your pictures with her and I'm overcome with grief. I don't even want to start the first semester of this year with you in fear of what may come. I don't want to find myself falling for you all over again from a distance, and I don't want the harsh reality to hit me when I realize I've truly lost you. You were the one man that stuck with me through it all and because this year has been exceptionally tough for me; I pushed you aside like you didn't matter. But you did, and I am extremely sorry I couldn't show that to you. I was too self-centered in trying to make MY life better rather than showing you my gratitude for being my shoulder to cry on. My rock, my walls to scream at & hold me up when I was falling down. I know this is selfish of me, but I can only hope that the two of you will split and you'll come running back to me. I'll be waiting, with open arms. I do love you, I still do. &I'm pretty sure I'll never get over you. This is exactly what I was afraid of; and I told you this when we last broke up. I said "What if I let you go, and one day realize that you're the one I want? That you are the one for me?" You comforted me in telling me that you wouldn't stray. You'd stand by me through it all and wait patiently. Yet, I'm ready .. I'm waiting .. but you're not here. Come back to me. :\ That was the absolute hardest thing I've ever had to type. &While I'm sure no one but myself will see this; I needed to do this. I'm hoping it will bring me some type of closure, for the simple fact that I can't tell either of these men my feelings for them. Sadly, I've lost touch with both of them. I hope deep down they know I love them, and I hope they still love me too. They say love is an eternal flame; I hope theres hasn't burnt out. I know for sure that mine still hasn't. &With that; I leave with this note - "I think its time I let you go... and that is hard to do because part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life." Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Link

holy shit. [ Aug. 10th, 2009 at 11:10 PM ] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | P.Diddy - Kesha ] So it's been well over two years since my last post. & I've decided to come back to livejournal. Providing I can keep up with it, anyway. I was never good at keeping a diary as a child. So lately; I've felt my world crumbling around me. I sit back and look at my life in retrospect & I'm flawed. God damn, at 18 - I have no license, no job, no boyfriend & shitty grades. I really, really need to pull my head out of my ass. Boyfriends are actually the last priority on my plate at the moment. First things first, I want a license. Then a job, so I can buy a car & eventually move out. I wanna do better in school. &Lastly; I wanna battle this fucking weight issue I've literally had since I was born. While I'm not hugeee, I feel like I'm the biggest I've ever been & It's really depressing me. Granted, a lot has contributed to the weight gain. I don't eat much; but when I do eat - I eat some of the most unhealthy things you can find. I don't know, just me venting. I have more to vent about & I'll eventually post it on here. Just needed a quick update. I'll get into detail within the next couple of days, if I still feel the need to vent. Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Link

[ Jun. 9th, 2007 at 5:49 PM ] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Do You Know - Enrique Iglesias ] hello senior year. :] finals are this week ; and i'm completely nervous about them. it's making me sick. but it's all good because i'm passing everything. everything's been going good. i'm content with life thus far. Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Link

[ Jan. 21st, 2007 at 9:22 AM ] okay, i finally realized something. i get the feeling that somethings missing in my life, a lot. but mostly - when i'm not in a relationship. wtf is that all about ? anywayy - lately - i've been missing my ex like you wouldn't believe. we haven't dated since september/october - and yet everytime i read his friends away message, it always makes me want to be with him. i know he used to hold knives to my throat, and drive like a fucking asshole, cheat on me and just plain old treat me like shit - but somehow, i can look past all that at all the sweet things he used to do. like visit me at my house from 8-11. and sit outside with me and be very cold, but just stood because he wanted to be with me. and how he used to hold me, tickle me, kiss me, just lay down with me and almost fall asleep with me in his arms. we may not have dated for very long, but being with him EVERYDAY for the last 3 hours of my day, really put a toll on me. it's been 3, going on 4 months since the last time i've been with him. why do i feel this way, still ? :[ i just wish it would go away. on the brightside - i got chosen to do SkillsUSA :] wicked excited. i'm going to do everything i can to pass. thats all. Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Link

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